August 12, 2006 | Mama Smith

traveling with B

This has been Brighton’s evening wear for the past 3 nights. It was almost 10pm last night before he finally gave up and fell asleep. There was no evidence of teeth pushing through gums, no dirty diaper, no painful cries when one of us would go in to lay him down again and tell him it was time to sleep. So we let him cry…and cry and cry.

Which he did all throughout the night. And began with a fury this morning at 5am. Being the patient, kind-hearted mother I am (ha!)...I was livid. I refused to get him up that early, refused to feed a one year old who had just eaten a mere 5 hours earlier, and just lay there fuming.

Since B is sleeping in a crib in the bathroom adjoining our bedroom, his cries sound as if he’s standing over my head with a megaphone. The pillow over the head didn’t help. So I retreated here to the living room. Only to find, I’m was too awake and angry to get back to sleep.

For some reason, my idealized view of motherhood never included struggling with anger. I know, laugh if you must, but it’s true. I pictured mothers as this special breed of human who could breeze through sleeplessness, tears, dirty diapers, constant demands with a sweet smile on there face and unlimited kisses to grace the heads of their children.

So when I find myself so furious at my lack of sleep in the face of my poor child’s inability to do anything for himself at this age, I feel like a pretty puny excuse for a mom.

This morning, bundled on the couch as 5am, for some reason I prayed. Normally in my fuming state, I don’t even want to think about Jesus or my need of Him because I feel like scum for my anger and would rather forget for awhile that I associate myself with Him. I’d rather be an anger person apart from Christ for awhile. But I don’t think it works like that.

So the Spirit had mercy and helped me come to Christ this morning. It felt ridiculous asking for love for Brighton this morning and forgivenss for my anger that wanted to offer him up for adoption as soon as stores opened. And to ask for Christ to help me see how even this – getting no sleep the past few nights, struggling to love my son in the midst – was apart of His plan in my life and B’s life and the lives of my family having to deal with his crankiness as well.

I’ve been reading this book called “Trusting God, even when life’s hard” and it goes after this stuff with a vengence. I often wanted to think that Christ wasn’t in the bad stuff. That hard circumstances in life were just a result of sin in the world, not that all things happen under Christ’s gaze. That He is intimately connected with all this happenings in our lives and is using them for both His glory and our good. Rarely do I look at situations like this one and think, “Ah yes, this lack of sleep and struggle with Brighton is for my good, Christ. And for your glory” But that’s usually because I have these limited, falliable lenses through which I view life. Good and bad have horribly skewed meanings to me. And I’ll probably always struggle to see – REALLY see – what circumstances, good and bad, are about in my life. Instead of just reacting based on my fallen perspective.

But this morning, thanks to the Spirit, I can actually feel my anger diffusing. Even as Brighton continues to scream in the background. And I can see Christ, in HIS unlimited patience and kindness, mothering me and offering me grace to mother Brighton today even out of a broken, needy heart. So at least this morning, I see the truth in that promise. That even this hellish night, was for my good and His glory. Because if it’d been an easy night – as sad as it is to say – I probably would have woken up, cuddled with my precious son, and gone on with our Saturday…not thinking once about Christ. Or been reminded of His vast, unmeasured Love for this struggling, angry mom. His glory. This morning, I was able to experience it and see it through this crazy night. My good. I was able to see my need, my anger, my short-temper and the darkness in me that was beaten back by this Warrior Christ.

No it doesn’t make total sense to me. Yes I’ll probably get annoyed with Brighton again at some point today. But I’m thankful for these Truths that are real and holds me up whether I believe them or feel them at any given moment or not.