March 12, 2007 | Mama Smith

the grass is always greener

“If only“s…they like to rule my life a better part of most days. Big ones. Small ones. It doesn’t matter. These little mind games really start to mess with you.

If only…the sun would come out, the temperature would rise, the day would not be spent cramped indoors, Brighton would stop being such a little turd and demanding so much from me, Levi’s intestines would finish maturing already and stop killing him with such wretched gas, the UPS man would stop ringing our doorbell for the hundreth time when both boys just went down for a nap and I wistfully thought I might join them until they both woke up terrified from the incessant buzzing.

Today the sun actually did come out. And the temperature did rise to a glorious 50 or so degrees. And the day was spent not cramped indoors, but at the park both morning and afternoon. The circumstances I was bemoaning last week had changed. But did my heart? Not likely. As changing circumstances unfortunately often prove.

I grumbled that the first park we went to was being used by a daycare, diverting us to park choice #2 a few more blocks away. I grumbled that Brighton wouldn’t stop frantically screaming “swing! swing! swing!” as we headed away from park #1 out of fear that I was just fooling him about going to the park and all, I grumbled that Levi’s sock fell off somewhere along our path exposing his tiny foot to the still chilly morning air and we had to go back to find it, I grumbled that Brighton was still cranky and pushing limits when we got home despite my seemingly elaborate attempt to keep him outdoors most of the day and spoil him with those two park visits.

It’s wild to me how quickly I pass from one temporary fix to the next. And it’s usually the simple ones that are so deadly because of their seeming innocence. I know I shouldn’t lust after fixes like a bigger house, a better car, nicer clothes. Those are givens in our Christian circles. But it’s these little simple things like warm weather, an afternoon nap, a cup of coffee that gets to be drunk in one sitting without getting cold (a luxury these days), an email that gets to be written in it’s entirety without a chubby, toddler finger reaching up and pressing the caps lock key for the 10th time, that I claim as my rights. My bartering with God that I will be a sane, loving human being, and specifically these days – a Mom – if these simple daily needs get met. And when they’re not, I become the foot-stopping, livid toddler of the house who uses the leverage of “well, I didn’t get a nap today” or “I didn’t get my coffee this morning” or “we’ve been cooped up inside all week” as excuses for being snotty, short-tempered, and irritable.

What does it mean to be captivated by Christ and his beauty instead of my rights? These seemingly innocent, simple “rights”? To see these little “if only“s loose their intense power over me? To walk through a day being held by Christ’s gaze so that the ups and downs that inevitably come won’t rock me so terribly?

At the end of today, I’m realizing it has very little to do with my willpower or energy to change. I repeatedly told myself today “Stop complaining! You asked for this sunshine, so enjoy it! Don’t ruin this nice day by being annoyed at Brighton’s crankiness.” But to no avail. My heart was still annoyed at the kinks in the day and their failure to fall in line with my plans and hopes for a perfect Monday.

I wonder what it would have looked like if, instead of telling myself to stop complaining and just enjoy the sunshine I’d hoped for all last week, I would have asked the Spirit to come and show me Christ again, let me smell his sweetness and be captivated by his beauty. Forget my attitude, forget the circumstances, forget getting my act together, forgot it all completely and let myself simply soak in who Christ is to me today – Savior, Friend, Life.

I’m not too good at letting go of “me” like that. Whether it’s getting “me” snapped into shape, or getting “me” what “me” wants at that moment. I find it’s really hard to get lost in something or Someone else when I’m just tired and annoyed. It feels like to much work. But in those moments, when the Spirit has come and called me out of myself and into Him, it’s been worth more than any “right” being fulfilled or any “if only” satisfied. Much more so. It quenches like cool water after a long run, instead of the luke warm soda those rights cover as.

It’s late in the world of new-mommy-time. 9:30pm. My eyes are heavy and my brain is fuzzy, hoping this post isn’t as scatterbrained as is seems at the moment. Just trying to get these thoughts down as a reminder to myself that Christ has to be my revolving point, or I sink.

To close, a few shots Matthew’s parents sent from their time with us…

Papa snoozing with his little dude

Brighton checking out GranLou’s new Philadelphia book with her

Levi batting at the duck and enjoying his big bro’s favorite hand-me-down toy

Smuggled goods? Or one very bundled up baby in a sling?

See-sawing with Papa

Taking GranLou for a train ride