November 20, 2009 | Mama Smith

the beginning of something new

For those of you long-time, loyal minismith readers and maybe even those who’ve joined in the recent months, you could all rally together and testify how wild this journey into motherhood has been for me. If you’ve forgotten, oh just take a little stroll through archives August 2005 and on. You’ll remember very quickly.

And as you’ve probably also notice, minismith has hit a bit of a lull this past year without much insight into the goings-on of the Smith household.

I guess there are a lot of factors that play into that, but the largest one is that the proverbial shit has hit the fan this year. As God has set about to wrecked us and shine His light into the dark, smoky corners of our demolished house, life has started to sprout.

I mean serious, crazed-joy-filled, dancing at midnight to cheezy Christian music, life.

In one sense, I would love to write out the whole story…but not really. I’d much prefer to sit down face to face and share it all, which is highly unlikely. So I’ll wrap it up in a nice neat “paragraph”, minismith-style, which resembles nothing close to a paragraph…

We are seriously screwed up people. We have fought against life for many, many years. We do not understand marriage. We do not understand parenting. We do not understand friendship. We thought we did. We failed miserably. We finally SAW how we failed miserably and were crushed. This is the good part…

“Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice”

How can we rejoice if there’s nothing truly, DEEPLY worth rejoicing about? Seeing how miserably you fail at life, at marriage, at parenting, at friendship is the SWEETEST THING the Father can do for us. Because when we reach that low, we can finally, FINALLY accept the beauty of the gospel.

That we are tainted to the core, more than we can bear to comprehend. Yet we are not just accepted, not just forgiven, but wildly, achingly, adored. The weakest glance, the weakest yes whispered from our lips ravages our Fathers heart. I know these are just words, just christianeze to some. But to a heart that has literally been torn in two, these words are the very breath that enters my lungs minute by minute by minute.

And this reality is bringing freedom and joy and courage into our lives that we never, NEVER thought possible. Mothering has been turned on it’s head. Marriage is something I never had hoped to picture before. And Jesus, is just, well, not the person I grew up hearing about.

Minismith has taken a hit because of this. I’m not sure what to say anymore, what to write about, when the world is suddenly seen in glaring techni-color. I don’t know how to write without the threads of redemption being woven into everything and risking minismith becoming just another annoying christian blog. Growing up in a christian home, I’m afraid those words I write will just be that, words. While the ache in my heart for what I’m experiencing fails to come to life on a computer screen. But I’m beginning to think that’s okay.

I love writing about mothering, our silly boys, what’s cooking in our kitchen, but my favorite posts were always the ones that seemed a little scary to press the “publish” button. Where I laid out my thoughts and my heart about living in this often painful, hurting world. But those were often the very same ones that really seemed to touch people and move hearts. So I think I’m back.

I think I’m ready to start writing about this journey through motherhood, marriage, and friendship through new eyes. If it’s not your thing, if it’s too much, obviously, I’ll never know if you stop reading and it’s really OKAY :) I had to drop all my blogs I followed for a good 8 months this year because I just needed silence. I needed more stillness in my life. For those who do stick around, it’s gonna be a little wild, but I’d love your friendship for the ride :)

AND, it’s gonna get a little crazy, as I’ll write more about this weekend, but despite us “being done” with our family and being nice and happy with our two little boys, God knew all along that there was another little minismith out there and he is putting a fire in our hearts to run the crazy gauntlet of adoption to find our where he/she is. So we officially handed in our application to start the adoption process this past week. What?? I know, I told you it would be wild. More to come soon…