March 26, 2010 | Mama Smith

the mystery of female friendships

It was so easy as a kid, right? You’d just grab some random girl’s hand, start running around the park, then next thing you know you were trading BFF necklaces and swearing you’d name your own children after each other.

And then you turn six years old…entering the school playground and thus the tenuous world of female friendships ensues.

It is a battle that can easily make one feel defeated and like tossing in the towel, but is so worth it when persevered through in humility and genuine love, which is pretty dang impossible without some major Holy Spirit work in our hearts. But one that Christ calls us into to witness the beauty of redemption – of ourselves mainly and maybe even the honor of seeing it unfold in the lives of a few of our female friends.

I would love to write and write all afternoon on this topic as it’s near and dear to my heart, but alas, my cunning, bartering husband has scored us a free two-nights stay at our favorite B&B in Asheville for my impending 30th birthday next week. We’re shipping out in a couple hours and there are bags to pack, meals to prep for the boys, and one grungy bathroom to wipe down.

So I’ll leave you with these two brief posts – one by Sarah, a friend of ours, now living in Nashville and the other by Kristin, a friend of hers, who together began blog-dialoguing about this rarely discussed topic among women – the often hidden struggle to really connect. And just how HARD it is to get past the fake “real” – that’s become so popular now thanks to the bitching-blogging world, as I’ll not so gently put it, that’s exploded among women – and really, really get to know other women. Their strengths, their insecurities, their failures, their hidden beauty. I loved Sarah & Kristin’s toe-dip into this and would love to keep up the conversation around here over the next few weeks.

I’m posting them here so you don’t have to jump around to different blogs, although I highly recommend you do check out these girls & amazing writer’s thoughts!

From Sarah

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What I Was Thinking She Was Thinking

I just finished reading my gal pal Kristen’s latest post about how hard it is making girl friends. Even in our thirties, the same insecurities from the junior high locker room still haunt us, they just age. She has bigger boobs than me turns into Her boobs dont sag as much as mine.

Kristin and I just met for lunch last week, in the middle of my Atticus crisis. We just started hanging out recently to talk about writing. She is a writer, mother and uber-cool hair stylist and I wanted to get her input on where she thought I should get my MFA. I was down to two schools (Seattle Pacific U and Vermont College), and was hoping someone would help me figure out where to go since most of my brain power was otherwise depleted. I had to decide by last Friday.

As we were discussing the benefits of each school, I realized there was actually another conversation happening that Kristin had no idea about that exhibits nicely the reason why females struggle so hard to be friends. The two conversations kinda went like this:

ME: What do you know about Seattle Pacific’s program? Oh God. I didn’t shower this morning and my hair looks so greasy. Kristin is gonna think I am a total loser. Do you think I am a total loser, Kristin?

KRISTIN: Yes! It’s a great school. I don’t know much about the program, but their journal IMAGE is really top-notch. You could definitely benefit from the connections you’d make there.

ME: But, don’t you think I have opportunities in Nashville for those same connections? Do you think I should break out of the box and be in a place where my framework is challenged?
You think I need my bangs cut, don’t you? You are totally mocking my hair right now, arent you? You and your edgy 80’s punk rock hair-do are judging my greasy, no hair-do hair-do, arent you?

KRISTIN: Yeah! Definitely. That would be a really great experience. You really can’t go wrong either place. I’m really excited for you. That’s gonna be awesome.

ME: Thanks, Kristin. I’m really excited. Thanks for getting together with me. I’d love to do this again. You can’t wait til I get my nasty-assed hair away from you cause I’m lowering your stock. I know you are embarrassed to be seen with me in Jackson’s. You are hoping people don’t notice your dorky, uncool friend with her stupid necklace. How do you know how to dress so freaking cute? Bohemian, yet still clean? Whenever I try that I just look dirty. Why do I always look so dirty? Dammit! I hate my hair.

KRISTIN: Me, too!

So, Kristin wonders why it’s so hard to make girl friends. Exhibit A should help explain. We are shallow, caddy, critical, competitive comparers who can’t just enjoy a simple conversation. I wish I were a boy who just wanted to show off how he could get a wad of paper into that hole other there. Life would just be so much easier…

And Kristin’s response

reply to: what i was thinking she was thinking

My new friend Sarah put up a post on her blog last night in regards to the conversation about female friendships. Read it first ( posted above ), and then see what I was thinking during our conversation:

Sarah: What do you know about Seattle Pacific’s MFA program?

Me: I’ve heard it’s a great school, and know that their journal IMAGE is really cool. You could form some great connections.
why does she think I know anything about MFA programs? I only have my undergrad. I should have gotten my masters. Maybe I could still do it. . .God, I’m so jealous. . .she’s going to be so much smarter than me.

Sarah: But, don’t you think I could make those same connections here? Do you think I should go somewhere that challenges my mindset?

Me: Yes, that would be good too. . .you really can’t go wrong either way. They’re both great schools.
Okay, now she can totally see through me and knows I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I can’t even complete a full sentence sometimes. I sound like an idiot. I want her to still think I’m smart and funny, but she’s so much quicker than me.

Sarah: Thanks. Kristin. I’m really excited. We should do this again.

Me: Yes! Let’s definitely hang out again!
she doesn’t really want to hang out with me again. She is going to tell everyone what a fraud I am, and not to ask me for advice on anything. I bet I have green stuff all up in my teeth.

So it seems the real challenge in making new friends, is in quieting our inner tormentor, and learning to really LISTEN to the other person. Thanks, Sarah, for doing this little exhibit with me!