our little minismith #3

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ~Psalm 139:13-16

56 days. After an all too short 56 days, our baby is now sitting with Jesus singing those very words to his tender, adoring face. He did not forget her, she was not hidden from Him. Her 56 days were ordained from the beginning, and now he calls her by the name only He knows. Some day we’ll get to hear it. Some day we’ll get to meet her.

This past Monday, we found out via ultrasound that the little heartbeat we saw pumping away at 6 weeks – the ultrasound photo from above that Matthew had “fancied up” – was no longer there. Our baby had passed away at 9 weeks, a complete shock and horror to us, as those of you who have been through it know.

There are few things in life as overwhelming and painful as the loss of someone you love. For you mothers out there, you know how wild that love begins to grow from the moment you pick up that positive pregnancy test. Though we’d never met this little one, we all four loved him/her, and we are deeply feeling their absence in our lives.

We had all four gone to the prenatal appointment, telling the boys we were going to the “baby doctor” to take a picture of the baby. Needless to say, as things went a direction we weren’t expecting Matthew took care of the boys as I pulled myself together as much as possible for us to all head home. He gently told them the baby had gone home to be with Jesus. Once in the car, Brighton sat in his car seat with a long, somber look on his face. I asked him if he was okay. He replied, “But Mommy, I LOVED our baby. I wanted to SEE our baby. I’m so sad, Mom”.

The boys had called the baby “Mirabelle Fire” from the beginning. We’re not sure where it came from, but as it’s been the year of fire in the Smith family, the name seemed appropriate. We aren’t sure if it was a boy or girl, but to put a name to a soul that is very real and is now with Jesus, we’re calling her Mirabelle Fire Smith. She was our Minismith #3. And though grief is a process we’ll slowly lumber through, she’ll never be forgotten. She was one of our children, one of the minismith clan, in all her tiny glory.

Please keep all four of us in your thoughts and prayers as we walk through this unexpected and deeply painful season in our lives.