three down…

Despite our highest hopes and greatest attempts to keep our hands washed, water bottles refilled and the house wiped down constantly with Lysol, the Smith fort is fully under seige. Brighton’s snotty nose and cough is still hanging on for dear life after over a week and as of last Thursday, the illness has taken up residence in both Matthew and me.

Unfortunately for myself, my pregnant body doesn’t have many defenses working for it these days since most energy and resources are going to the babe. So I think it’s hit me the worst. Last night I laid in bed at 3am, listening to Brighton pick up a chair next to his bed and drop it repeatedly (I think his illness is making him sleepless as well, seeing as he talked through most of the night) and wondered…why now? Why am I propped up by 4 pillows, unable to breathe due to baby pressing on the lungs and no use of my clogged nose, and unable to sleep when everything in me is crying out for rest and recouperation before ushering a new little life into our family that will take more energy and strength than I need to think about right now? Both in labor and the months to follow.

I’m definitely wrestling with God’s timing in all this. And wondering what his provision looks like right now. As is often the case, I miss it, due to my elaborate pity parties and absorption in my plan not going the way it should have (weeks of deep, wonderful sleep in preparation for the baby – a healthy, strong body to tackle the last “to-do’s” – a healthy, cheerful son to enjoy as we spend our last few weeks alone together). I get all wrapped up in these dashed plans that I fail to see what God is trying to show me about Himself, His mercy, His tender love in the midst of the brokeness of life.

I really want to see Him this morning. I’m too exhausted and worn out to fight for my own pathetic rights – to have life be easier…whatever that really means – and oddly thankful that that’s the case. Because I really want Him and need Him to show up and break me of my unbelief, that He’s not caring for me and my family right now. And be led back to the true rest and recouperation that can only be found in Him…not in a decent night’s sleep or a healthy body.